Joakim Mogren is a Real Person. You’re Fired, George!

And your beard is quite tacky, too!

Earlier, George Sinclair, our news and reviews editor as well as our official wookiee correspondent, posted a HIGHLY BIASED and CLEARLY FALSIFIED feature about a Mr. Joakim Mogren, the current project lead on the highly anticipated game, The Phantom Pain, that was revealed at the VGAs last Friday.

Mr. Sinclair has been slandering Mr. Mogren’s good name and by making statements that he and Mr. Hideo Kojima, creator of every game in Japan, are in fact (or, to be more precise, George’s distorted reality) the same person.

C’mon, seriously? Look at the two!

If you find any similarities at all, then you endorse racism. CLEARLY.

For one, Joakim is blonde, has a true AMERICAN mustache, is paler, and wears sunglasses indoors like a cool man. What is Kojima? Some japanese nerd with no cool and radical facial hair to speak of. They are clearly different people entirely.

Then there’s the fact that Joakim lives in Sweden and Kojima lives in Japan. How can he be in two places at once? Learn to fact check, George. I may not be a learned man, but I’m pretty sure a person can’t live, like, I dunno, a hundred kilometers from themselves at the same time. That stuff didn’t work in Death Note! You can’t make a man in Japan die in Sweden within an hour when using the Death Note, George. Learn Physics, you nobby swindler.

There’s also Joakim’s long history with videogames. Out of his deep love of whales, Joakim named his game studio MobyDick Games. One of his most prestigious games, a game we all know and love, ROBOTOtron 64, was released for the Sega Genesis in 2004.

…you play as humanoid mexican robot who had to row his way to secret military fortress to destroy the final weapon Iron Gadget. You had to be careful with rowing or else you will fall over and be electricuted.

He also worked on a 2D PS1 game called Copmonauht.

…you play as a perverted old astronaut who is also a cop on the moon colony “Star City.” It dealt with complex socioeconomic and philosophical issues such as how sexy nurse’s asses would look in a low gravity environment. It was very revolutionary…

Unfortunately, Copmonauht was recalled by its publisher, Kamino, so you won’t find any of the games on shelves. Now he has to force himself to make The Phantom Pain until he can make enough money to rejuvenate his lost game. ;(

If that doesn’t convince you that Joakim and Kojima are absolutely different people, then look at this drawing.
Yep. That’s Joakim hanging out with Kojima. How could they be different people when they’re standing next to each other? You can’t explain that!

Clearly, George Sinclair is either losing his mind or is just making up controversial posts in order to get more views so he can continue to make his weekly thousands of dollars in revenue so he can pay for the moat and drawbridge on his second mansion, something common to game critics.

Jamie and I have been discussing your mental state and believe that you should be fired, because your slanderous words are threatening to lose us our Konami bribe money. So stop it.

Stop.

Frank Margarella has his own crappy personal blogs here and here. You can follow him on twitter @Fuhjem.