Molyneux will no longer be heeded by corporations. Instead, he will traverse the lands and fight bears.
Beloved game developer and Emotion Lord Peter Molyneux has announced today that he’s fed up with trying to convey his vast cascades of emotions he keeps in his Emotion Cauldron through the medium of videogames, and is now leaving his career and family behind to pursue the life of a warrior poet.
Donning a lacrosse helmet, plastic Skyrim replica sword, and a hardcover blue journal, Molyneux left the press room humming a tune that sounded vaguely like Caramelldansen.
“I just don’t think I can truly reach people with videogames anymore,” said the proud Brit to a room full of easily frightened hedgehogs, “In Fable 2 I tried really hard to make people connect with random NPCs and have them want to start families with them and be sad when we killed them off in the end of the game. Oh, and, spoiler alert. When it came to Fable: The Journey, I really thought I was going to have people connect with their horse, and maybe even get them to buy a real horse. That would have been cool, man.”
When the easily frightened hedgehogs provided no response to the veteran designer besides hurriedly scurrying away from any loud noise or quick movement in the room, Molyneux went on to describe why he had chosen this new path and where he intends to go with it.
“The honorable life of a warrior poet is something that had appealed to me since I was a young man; about when I was 30. The duality of being a fierce fighter and a gentle poet seemed to be nirvana to me. Truly expressing my emotions though a swift cleave of my sword and the orchestral scratching of my feather pen; that is what I want.”
“I expect to make my way across the British Channel, and then head northeast towards Russia. There I will fight many bears and write of their honor. From there I expect to cross the Pacific to Alaska, and I will also fight bears there. I’m pretty much going to be fighting bears my whole career.”
Molyneux also stated that he expects his son to follow in his footsteps, and declared that he expects his head to be brought back to his family upon his death while fighting a bear, if only to fuel his son’s desire to take vengeance against the grizzled beasts that claimed his father.
Definitely News is a new feature for Analog Addiction pioneered by Robert Key and Frank Margarella. In it, us at AA will expel from our hearts the most convincing fake videogame news we can muster. And if you hate it, please direct all complaints to Robert Key because it was totally his idea, man.
Frank Margarella has killed many bears to write this. You can follow Frank on twitter @Fuhjem.