In a shocking turn of events, CEO and President of Gearbox Software and cover model of Eyeware Magazine Randy Pitchford had returned very briefly from the Bizarro Dimension in which he had been trapped years ago by his bizarro counterpart and current acting CEO and President of Gearbox Software, Bizarro Pitchford.
“Wow,” begins Real Pitchford at a press conference held by depressed ostriches, “I really can’t believe that I’m back in my home dimension.”
Pitchford, although looking exhausted, bearing more than a few scars, some not entirely physical, and torn clothing (yet still very dashing in his glasses), had a strong air of relief about him. It was cut short, though, when he was notified of the three games that were released since his multi-dimensional imprisonment.
“Oh, Christ,” muttered a now fretting Pitchford, “No no no no no.” He grasped the edges of the podium firmly for support. He was beginning to sweat profusely now.
“I’m ecstatic to hear that Borderlands 2 did well, and I’m glad to have Anthony [Burch] on the team now, but Christ almighty did we seriously publish Duke Nukem Forever!?” After being given a few hours to play the game for himself, Pitchford became grayer and grayer with each soulless Jon St. Jon quip. He had to take a few minutes rest after the rape joke bit.
“I…. N-No. This isn’t right. This isn’t the game we were making. The game I was working on had good lighting and graphics, and the animations were actually there. TimeGate? Who the hell is TimeGate!?“
The next day, Pitchford released a press statement.
“I want to apologize for the horrible atrocities Bizarro Pitchford unleashed upon the general public. DNF should have been shelved, if not burned. A:CM shouldn’t have been released in that state, especially after we released all those demo videos of a completely different game. I really want to apologize, though, for the way Bizarro Pitchford ignored all the criticism that was shot at Gearbox for these ‘games’. He acted like a real ponce, pointing to sales figures as though they were the only validation necessary to call a game good, and then blacklisting anybody who tried to voice any criticism.”
This was the last thing anyone has heard from Randy Pitchford before he was teleported back to the Bizarro Dimension, and was replaced with his nefarious counterpart who immediately tweeted:
“Ha ha, jk guys. DNF and A:CM are some of our best products out there! #yolo”
Randy Pitchford, we miss you, and we are awaiting your return. Hopefully it will be for good next time.
Definitely News is a new feature for Analog Addiction pioneered by Robert Key and Frank Margarella. In it, us at AA will expel from our hearts the most convincing fake videogame news we can muster. And if you hate it, please direct all complaints to Robert Key because it was totally his idea, man.
It’s been a long while since Frank Margarella has posted anything here. Sorry. You can follow Frank on twitter @Fuhjem.