Next Xbone Reveal: It will sell your secrets to your enemies.
Earlier today in a press conference being held by Microsoft, President of the Interactive Entertainment Business at Microsoft Don Mattrick, sporting a completely bright green suit and matching bowler hat, declared that the Xbox One would be featuring a coin slot, primarily to be used for extra lives and game continues.
“In addition to bringing our subscribers to the Xbox One service state-of-the-art technology such as television and Internet Explorer, ” began Mattrick to a crowd of people who seemed to not know what was going on, seeing as this was in the middle of a train station during its low-traffic hours, “the Xbox One will also be featuring a classic… uh, feature, that will harken back to a time we all remember when we were all children in the arcades, playing games like Donkey Kong and [he pauses for a moment]… Donkey Kong. Yes, I’m talking about coin-operated machines, specifically the coin part.”
At this point, the citizens have managed to ignore Mattrick, or at least appear like they were busy with something close to their feet. Mattrick, undanted and apparently unaware, continued on.
“Imagine the nostalgic rush of sliding a United States Quarter, and yes it will only accept U.S. Currency on all consoles, into your new Xbox One every time you want to revive your character, or hell, whenever you turn on a game! Just like the old days!”
As the mid-afternoon rush of pedestrians and trains arrived, the Microsoft President of Entertainment Business went on to discuss how every Friday at about noon, Australian Central Standard Time, a Microsoft shareholder will enter your home to withdraw the quarters from Microsoft’s console, and that any attempt on the consumer’s end to forcefully break into the machine to retrieve their quarters will alert the police to the theft. Each extra life or game start will cost the consumer 26 cents, but the console will only accept the 25-cent quarter.
Soon after, when standing in front of the train station bathroom mirror, using his Apple iPhone to record, Don Mattrick began an interview, asking himself questions like,
“Isn’t it illegal to have someone break into my house?”,
“Will the Xbox One incinerate my game disc upon insertion?” and,
“Am I actually owning my console, or is Microsoft only giving me permission to use it after I bought it, at which point the corporation can still control it remotely?”, to which he replied,
“Stop spreading lies, Don! Stop! You don’t know anything about the Xbox One!”
Definitely News is a new feature for Analog Addiction started by Frank Margarella. In it, us at AA will expel from our hearts the most convincing fake videogame news we can muster. And if you hate it, please direct all complaints to Robert Key because it was totally his idea, man.
Frank Margarella has demoted himself to a simple Contributor. Expect posts to be few, far-between, and dumb, like this one. You can follow Frank on twitter @Fuhjem.